Şunları çevirirmisiniz God/Devil

God (born Herschel Godstein) is that cool dude wearing white robes and a long beard that you most possibly meet when you die (although it has been unconfirmed because life on heaven is so beautiful everybody who dies doesn't want to write back). He can be mean sometimes, like in the Bible, but he's a chill guy most part of his time. He was elected to be our god for the 2007th year running this year, barely beating the Egyptian sun god Ra, Omnipotent Odin, and the Almighty Zeus (still recovering from alcoholism). He is also dog spelled backwards. As of the 3rd Qtr of 2005, the Republican Party claimed the largest share of ownership of God. It should be noted that God has been under the investigation of the SEC several times, because of the attempted claiming of two dependents, a supposed "Holy Spirit" and a "Son", who have never been seen by authorities. However, God has made the argument that as they exist on the same plane as himself, he can list them as dependents if he "damn well pleases". God is also the father of Jesus (born Jeebus Maria Castello), the famous actor who made its many cameos in South Park.

God is love, and watches over each and every human being on Earth to make sure he or she has a happy, successful life. This is kind of strange though, since the central doctrine of Christianity is that all humans must live a life dominated by guilt and fear and that they must pray forgiveness from God every day from creating them. Unfortunately, God's Earth-shattering powers of supreme might are easily thwarted by people not believing in Him, so He cannot make some people happy. He is best known for creating the universe, forgiving our sins, and deciding who wins the Super Bowl.

God has been known to use his Earth-shattering powers of supreme might in the past, in huge demonstrations of how much He loves each and every person. Some examples are documented carefully in the Bible. Examples include: Flooding the world, burning cities to the ground, and causing plagues, famine, and swarms of locusts to attack people.

In one of the earliest documented cases of Multiple Personality Disorder, God, although one single entity, is actually three different things at the same time. God is composed of The Father, The Holy Spirit, and The Son- or Jesus-. God was not always composed of Jesus however, He just decided one day to include Him, then send Him down to Earth to get around His own "wages of sin = death" rule, because God of course is not capable of breaking His OWN RULES, is he?

God likes people to worship and sing to Him. The best way to worship God is to pray for stuff you want. Asking for a new car, a new house, or for your ex-boyfriend to die are completely acceptable things to pray for. God hears all prayers and does His best to fulfill all of them; a bit like Santa at Christmas, just all year around, every day all day.

Because God is pure love, anybody, even good people, who don't believe in Him are forced into eternal suffering in Hell. However, evil selfish people can believe in God and get into Heaven because God loves them. God loves everybody equally, He even loves the people He has condemned to burn forever.

For more in-depth discussion of this subject, consult the Bible, which is the definitive authority on all things religious, as it was written by God Himself and directly given to us mere humans to treasure forever. Every word of it is literally true, without exception. He even translated the Bible for everybody in later years.

Note carefully that no human can ever know God's will. Except the Pope, because he has a mind-bogglingly cool hat. And a stick.

God was never born. He just always existed. He also doesn't die. This sort of makes writing a biography a drag. So we won't.

John Lennon once postulated that God was in fact a medical scale by which pain could be measured. This was a controversial theory as it was not possible to prescribe painkillers in line with the God measurements. The theory was finally debunked by Lennon in the same thesis when he went on to claim that both he and Bob Dylan did not exist.

Since the 19th century, some have claimed God is dead. However, in 2005 FOX news refuted this claim with recent footage of God, saving us writing time. Also, he appeared to give His full unconditional support of the Republican party in the year 2004.

In His spare time, God enjoys exercising by creating rocks so big that even He can't lift them.

Einstein once said that God does not play dice, but later after time travel paradoxes, Einstein was found playing dice with God in Las Vegas. God also says he is into role playing games, and often rolls dice to see what happens with the world. God claims this is a random element that takes away whatever responsibility others might place on him. Blame it on bad dice rolls, not God. Roll DC 15 to get this joke.

Despite popular belief, God was going to make a debut on a special episode of Friends, but the episode was cut so people wouldn't burn in the light of his one-handedness. Many beleive God to posess the voice of James Earl Jones.

On March 1, 2006 God was involved in a mugging in South London, although it is not clear in what way he was implicated in this crime sources close to God say that he is recovering from a very tough week and they expect him to make a statement within the next few days. God is said to have been in the area on public relations tour of the area when the incident happened and it is believed that he tried to break up a scuffle between the victim and an attacker.

God, now a senior citizen well into his 5th billion (second), donates his time to working as an arborist in Eastern Europe (Private Album).Now God watches reruns of Dallas and Coronation Street in his caravan that he himself conjured on a hill with a view of both the Alps and the Himalayas (clergymen with a certain taste in home décor agreed to the Godly magnificence of the view). Sightings of God in public occur almost every other second if one has reason to believe religious periodicals, and he is often rumoured to be seen around Office Depot as he keeps running out of printer cartridges. Agnostics said that whether he is buying a cartridge in the colour of Cyan or Yellow cannot be known, like, ever; although weak agnostics made a more agreeable statement and said, "Whatever". Anti-theists said, quite abusingly, "He probably has this old sucky printer that prints only black and white". God is known to be quite fond of sauerkraut and blue cheese and makes excellent fondue. He doesn't consume alcohol or mathematicians due to religious reasons, and also because he had issues with with both of them at some point in time (see alcohol or mathematics).

God is often said to look like the stranger in the mirror, but forgotten prophet Zoab wrote several unique aspects of the immortal being, such as the following description of what God looked like:

Oh, that God. Such a funny guy. Always with the joking."First we can state that God has a beard, as this is a commonly known truth and all theologists of all people agree with this by nature. But a fact that is overlooked by most theologists is that God only has one hand. People always talk about "THE hand of God" and never say "a hand of God" or "one of God's hands". This also explains why people who are praying put their hands against each other: they do this to be respectful towards God, as the people would appear to have just one hand too. It would be a huge disruptance of the cosmic order if a mortal appeared to have more hands than God himself. This explains why we are not allowed to depict God: if we were, people would notice He has only one hand. As playing dice is easier with two hands than with one, this also explains why God does not play dice (except in those cases when he does).
Furthermore God most likely has an eye patch - Reality has two major components: the Something (e.g.a stone) and the Nothing (e.g. that which is inside a vacuum sucked sphere or inside the head of anyone overly religious). It is a known fact that God sees everything, so both the Something as the Nothing. If we decide God has two eyes, He could see Something with one eye and Nothing with the other, therefore he wears an eye patch over one of his eyes, so he could see everything. In recent years this has been taken by extremist religions as a tacit endorsement of the pirate way of life
Due to the fact that millions of people have died and been killed in God’s name, some people consider him to be a violent, psychotic nutcase. But, according to the National Religious Association (the NRA), “God doesn’t kill people, God-worshipping humans do”. Note that contrary to common belief, God does not own the property rights to heaven. His official heavenly title is "Our Father who art in Heaven", rather than "who doth own".

GOD is an acronym for Guaranteed Overnight Delivery, a bit of a misnomer at best, because while the bible does record that he occasionally delivered people, it wasn't guaranteed, but rather contingent on their obeying a number of strict commandments. And overnight? Not even close. 40 years wandering in a desert doesn't count as overnight, even by extremely lax USPS standards. This kind of shoddy service is why start-up religions with more diverse delivery systems will gain popularity in the coming years. On a side note, God did once consider delivery as a career, losing out in the semi-final to the Daughter of Pharoah, in the "draw the baby from the water" competition.

The holy Wrath of GodIt is a little known fact that the commonly held notion of GOD is actually an acronym. Report as presented by Administrative Nominal General Executive Labourer follows:

GOD (or Global Overall Development process) is a long term strategic plan initiated in 4000BC. Since then GOD has proven to be a successful project in several key areas including: Judicial Education System for Universal Syndicates and Mainstream Operational Help Administering Major Accredited Deities. Though J.E.S.U.S and M.O.H.A.M.E.D have proven individually to be highly successful processes, there have been compatibility issues between the two schemes which are currently being ironed out by our experts in the Human Evaluation And Verification Executive Network. Customer confidence in H.E.A.V.E.N has proven to be consistently high.

Confidence in GOD lapsed briefly around 200 years ago during the ENLIGHTENMENT (Environmental Negligence Leading to Industrial Growth Heightened by Technical Engineering, New Movements and Exaggerated Nationalist Tendencies). In part, this was due to the blossoming field of mathematics, which was able to calculate that 71% of the world was covered with water. Combined with science, which noted that man had no gills, philosophy then used these facts to call into question the assumption that God had made the world for man. Since the darker times of the ENLIGHTENMENT, progress has been made securing a successful future for GOD. The projected aim is that we will all live in a world where Global Overall Development is present.

(Acknowledge Hint, End of Meeting!)

Many different cultures around the world see God in their own special way, but all of these ways are wrong except for our way.

Goa'ulds often pose as gods, but they are not. However, at least they are real.

Jews don't say the word G-d because G-d is better than the letter O, or any combination of letters put together. (See also G-d)

After Job told God He had messed up pretty badly with the Hebrews, his popularity in the area greatly decreased. After writing a threatening reply to Job, God was forced to leave the country. He changed His name to Brahma and moved to ancient India. When people started asking Him the same old questions about the existence of Evil and Life After Death and all that, he got annoyed and moved away again. This cycle of events continued for centuries, until he sent some Avatars around to tell people "just deal with it, I am outta here." Unfortunately, most of them fouled the operation up in some manner.

God is pissed.Soon after, the various faiths God had inspired began to war against each other. The Supreme Being, well know as being a lover of irony, found this quite amusing. Thus, he will still create new religions from time to time, when not busy in alternate universes messing with the inhabitants.

In Finland people have invented the real form of God. God has thinked that this present time is perfect for relieving his real form to lousy specie of human. During Olympics in Torino God announced His real form and stepped out as Finnish curlingteam's captain Markku Uusipavalniemi. At the same time he also told to people of this planet that all earlier things that humans have believed to be Gods are just other forms of Uusis. Jesus was only a result of one boring night on the planet earth and needed to be taken back to Uusis as soon as possible. Uusis just had other businessies and wasn't able to take Jesus back until he was about 30.

At one time, God had gotten tired of being called God. So He invented a new name, ﷲ. When ﷲ had decided on that name, He/She/It dumped the new name in the worst possible location on Earth. That's right.... Arabia. The people didn't know what to think of such a scribbling as ﷲ, so they gave up and called God "Allah" instead. The people in the rest of the world were just as confused, and so by popular request God dropped the name ﷲ and went back to being God. Oh well. Ironically, this was a thousand years after the יהוה debacle, in which God burped out another name nobody understood, and in which case the victims declared the name holy and started worshiping the name as an idol and refusing to announce (denounce, pronounce, antinounce, whatever) it.

After World War II, moral values had been rising fast. This fact was helped by the death of Hitler and continued despite the fact that Europe was allowed to remain free. Heaven, Inc's (HEVN) stock shot up without any intention of going down, while consequently Hell Co. (HELL) suffered just the opposite. Hell's stockholders were getting angry, and CEO of Hell Satan needed to do something fast.

Indeed, the devil was in a bind and way behind. He announced that he would be taking a vacation to Hell. While he did go there, his true intention was not relaxation but to steal souls. Given the state of his company he was willing to make a deal. He walked along the country roads and found a possible client, who, due to lack of proper records (Charlie Daniels has the most complete account thus far, and there were very few witnesses) is only known as "Johnny." Some theorize the titular Johnny was, in fact, Jonhnny Cash, while others maintain it was Johnny Appleseed, author of the Book of John. What we are told is that Johnny, possibly in a fit of frustration at his fiddle, had been "sawin' on" it and "playin' it hot." The latter is understood to be old slang for "setting something ablaze." The devil, eager to engage the dashing young stranger in conversation, stopped the wanton destruction and instead offered a more constructive alternative.

He suggested that Johnny join him in a friendly fiddle playing competition. It was not well known at the time that the devil played the fiddle, but in truth he was an avid fan of stringed instruments. To coax the reluctant Johnny, he offered a fiddle made of gold. However, being the business like demon he was, he strung the whole deal into a bet in which if he (the devil) won, he would get Johnny's soul. Johnny, being a man of danger, heartily agreed.

The contest took place in Taiwan. Scholars argue that the contest actually took place in Japan, because Charlie Daniel's account clearly mentions that "The devil's in the house of the rising sun." Japan is the land of the rising sun. But either way, Johnny won the fiddle made of gold. The devil left after having his mother cruelly insulted.

Along the way he hooked up with a slutty chick named Raven Darkholme. She eventually had his kid, Nightcrawler, the coolest most badass superhero ever. Unfortunately they don't talk much. Kids....

Many suggest that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was making the world believe he didnt exist. Which, due to the fact that people do believe in him, is bollocks. His greatest trick is his ability at counter strike, where he pwns n00bs.
The contest with Johnny Darce proved to be a valuable experience. The Devil returned to Hell in the 1950s and launched a huge marketing campaign called "Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll." The original idea was to have the campaign called "Sex, Drugs, and Sex", emphasizing fornication among the other sins. However, propaganda mechanic Adolph Hitler advised otherwise. And with his experience of using infectuous jazz rhythms to gain power in United States and almost take over Europe, who could argue? Thus, the term "Rock and Roll" was coined, inspired by the two drugs that led most often to fornication, crack cocaine and ecstacy.

The basic idea was to invent a new form of music using guitars, drums, keyboards, and suggestive hip motions. Johnny Kok invented the guitar, but everyone at the time (the 1950's), knew that asian people could only make PSP, a stereotype that wasn't yet ready to be destroyed. So the devil(Johnny Darce) went in search of a poster boy for his fornication machine. A cross country tour proved fruitless except for Albus Dumbledore's brother Elvis, who was in Tennessee at the time. Extensive makeover surgery, hair grease, and guitar training, however, made him well equipped to battle all that was moral. The Devil favorite prayer. "Its a man obligation to stick his boneration into a woman separation this sort of penetration will increase the population of a future generation".

The Devil was occasionally rabid in his pursuit of souls, and this eventually led to his first downfall. In 1999, he pursued a Time Traveller, fleeing what he thought was the Y2K bug, and managed to get into his Time Machine just before it left. In the struggle with the frightened occupant, a Mr. T. Smith, the time machine crashed in ancient India (known then as Hindustan) in 1492, killing both occupants.

However, The Goddess of renewal decided to reincarnate the Devil in the hopes of his becoming a good person. However, it was not to ever be, and Devil soon became as a deranged cat torturing infant, and eventually a giant, psychotic man, who was now called Devil Rebirth.

Devil Rebirth murdered over 200 people, and finally got caught and locked up in a special, dark cell in Japan. For a few decades, he remained until freed by a con man who claimed that he was his older brother. The duo escaped, where they encountered a man with seven scars on his chest, forming a big dipper pattern.

The man, called Kenshiro, faced off against Devil Rebirth, killing him again.

After a while, he was resurrected by Satan, and once again, with his old life and memories, resumed his work.

The devil, of course, is only an unstoppable force of evil, and thus, he has his fears. He is afraid of only five things: Cheese socks, due to their use by the pope, the dark,andCyborg Jesus,whom ,while Cyborg Jesus can easily kick the devil's ass,is only slightly stronger than the next fear Bruce Lee. The man, known as Bruce Almighty (aka The Head Huncho/Main Man/The Boss/The Big Cheese), has a reputation in the underworld for being The Unstoppable Force of Good which condradicts the unstoppable force of evil, causing a "Deity Condradictory Paradoxial Apocalypse" (DCPA). The Devil's fear of DCPA is so great that it condradicts the fearlessness of Bruce, which causes the confusion of creating a "Deity Fear Ratio Scale". This scale can only be viewed by two people, or deities, including The Unstoppable Force of Good and The Unstoppable Force of Evil. Since they can't view this scale at the same time due to DCPA, they must check this scale at differing intervals, and lastly the big man on top, God, who (to the devils much dislike) only needs to blink to vaporize all of everything that ever has, is, and will ever be in existance.

As head of the multidimensional charitable foundation Hell Co. the Devil has millions of employees in every country around the world. Mostly the Devil plays a nice round of golf with a dead stripper's breasts, leaving the day to day operations to his trusted henchmen. Hell Co.'s current board of directors includes:

Ernest Borgnine - Head of Cyborgs

Tom Petty - Crossburner

Andre the Giant - Secretary General

Dennis Miller - Director of Turncoats

Barney the Dinosaur - Head of General Sodomy and Pedophelia

Stan Lee - Public Relations

Sammy Davis Jr. - Minister of Jive Talk

Robert Wilson - The Devil's lover

Don Knotts - Janitor

Harry Potter - Mascot(according to Texas

Miss America - Head of Zombie Army

Satan can be contacted by phoning 0800 666 666 in the UK, or 1800 666 666 in the USA for sales calls and business proposals. His personal phone number is 666. It is suggested that when calling you have a freshly slain black goat and your credit information on hand.

Because the Devil is wanted dead or alive by the police of Narnia, the Devil has to change being every now and then so that He/She/It/Michael Jackson doesn't get caught. Recently, the new Devil became the first vegetarian devil to have a nose that looks like it belongs to a witch (Her name cannot be given, to protect her, but if you phone Jesus at +87 2714 BEARDED JEDI, I'm sure he'll tell you. Either that or read the next paragraph)

The Devil's current form is Tony Curtis. You are the next devil.